5. Be with who you're with

It's 2025 now.  For the last 15 or so years we've all experienced it personally, or at least seen it played out in restaurants, at parties, at work, in our dining rooms.  People gathered together, heads buried in their phones, ignoring the humans right in front of them. 

I rode the bus to work for years.  At the bus stop at Microsoft in Redmond, WA, there we'd be- all 20+ of us standing nearly shoulder to shoulder, waiting for the Microsoft Connector bus to take us home- all heads down in our phones.   Many of us knew each other, at least casually as work peeps.  Some days I'd strike up small talk with someone from our town.  Mostly it was silent scrolling.  An excuse not to have to engage with another human being.

 My daughter Carly and I co-created "Be with who you're with" when she was a pre-teen.  It was our statement, our rebellion against the phone culture that is now accepted in our nation (and probably a great deal of the world).  We even had T-shirts made to start the revolution. 

Some folks have been puzzled or chuckled hearing me evangelize the phrase 'Be with who you're with' .  "What do you mean Dean?" OK, if you came to age in the 60s, that’s not what I’m talking about.  And if you didn’t grow up in the 60s, never mind.  It means pay attention to the human you are with in this moment. 

Given that life is all about relationships, how about investing in those that are right in freakin’ front of us?   It saddens me when I'm at a restaurant and the couple next to me are both on their phones, or one is looking around, and the other is on their phone.  How does that make them feel?   Am I not interesting or valuable enough for you to put down your phone and look me in the eye and talk to me?    The message delivered is that you're not as important as whomever I'm texting with or reading about.  It’s not considerate.  It’s not respectful.  It’s not loving. My daughters used to call me on the carpet if I picked up my phone during family dinners to check something.  I loved their passion for desiring the human connection and letting me know that they were more important in that moment than whatever was on my phone.    

Of course this distraction has been going on forever in different ways.  In my lifetime, we've had the printed newspaper (which also had the added benefit of a visual barrier, your own cocoon between you and the people around you), and then the mobile phone before smartphones.  Simple but effective- talking to another person not physically present, losing focus on the person you're with.  The iPhone and it's peers elevated this to a whole other level.  Smartphones are powerful communication devices, bringing a world of information and connection with you in a small form factor you can take anywhere.  Social media apps like Facebook and Instagram can connect us to relationships we have that are miles away, sometimes on the other side of the world.  My entire music collection that I love lives on my phone.  And the photos and video quality these devices give us is downright amazing.   I'm not advocating for throwing out our phones.  I am advocating for putting it down and turning it over when we're together and can connect as friends, co-workers, family members.   Sitting down to share a meal is a prime candidate.  I saw on TV there’s a restaurant in Texas with a wicker bin when you enter that says “Leave your phones here and talk to each other”.   Love it.  I’d be nervous about someone stealing my phone, but I love the concept.  

I get it.  There are times when having work on your phone, or the news, or a good book is a welcome activity when waiting in a doctor office lobby or at an airport gate.  You can leverage these pockets of downtime to get more done or reach out to those you do care about that aren't there with you.   I love our family text thread that keeps me more connected to my daughters and new grandson who are miles away.  I'm talking about times when you're with people you know and care about. 

Presence is important, and the person physically with me is worthy of my focus and attention.

Like, say, my wife.  Katey's primary love language, as articulated in Gary Chapman's classic book "The Five Love Languages" is quality time- which refers to the act of intentionally spending meaningful and focused time with your partner, prioritizing their full attention and active engagement rather than just being physically present; it means being emotionally and mentally present during shared activities, putting away distractions like phones, and actively listening to feel truly connected and valued. 

It's really about attention

One of the biggest emotional tank drainers for her is when I'm not listening to her- my mind is somewhere else.  And it doesn't have to be distracted by my phone.  My spinning mind can be distraction enough.   If I try to multi-task, it doesn't work.  In fact, neurologist Dr. Amish Jha wrote a whole book on this topic - "Peak Mind".  She busts the myth of multi-tasking and says it's actually really just fast task switching, as our minds are like a flashlight.  We can only be shining a light on one thing at a time.  The more we throw our flashlight around from thing to thing, our quality of attention suffers for all of them.  I need to slow my flashlight down at the dinner table.  Be present.  What matters most is right in front of me, in this moment. 

On the flip side, one of Katey's biggest tank fillers is when I am present, engaged, asking questions.  I'm here and I care.  Fred Rogers in the book "The world according to Mr. Rogers" echoes the power of listening:  "More and more I've come to understand that listening is one of the most important things we can do for one another.  Whether the other be an adult or a child, our engagement in listening to who that person is can often be our greatest gift.  Whether the person is speaking of playing or dancing, building or singing or painting, if we care, we can listen."

It takes work.  My wife is actually hands down the best person I know at being present with others and really listening to people, be it with friends or family or in her professional life.   It takes effort.  Some people are just higher maintenance.  She's drained at the end of the day when engaging others.  But what a way to spend your energy.  I so admire that about her.  It certainly makes me feel cared for and valued when she's present for me.

Me time vs. together time

We all need Me time, and if you're an introvert, even more so.  It's healthy to do what refills your tank when you have Me time. Sometimes the person we need to be with is ourselves.  If I'm honest, I often reach for my phone when I have a bit of solo downtime- it's become a habit.  In Peak Mind, Dr. Jha talks about how our minds are always going, never empty, and there's two types of interruptions to the task at hand: Mind-wandering (having off-task thoughts during a task) and daydreaming (task-free spontaneous thought and opportunity for conscious reflection, creativity and the like).   When I'm by myself and constantly on my phone to see what other people are doing, thinking, saying, I lose the opportunity for my mind to rest - to daydream.   I want to choose to be more with myself and my thoughts during solo time.  It's a journey.

So hey people, I know this post is a bit preachy, but I ain't apologizin' on this topic.

Let's be with who we're with!  They're worth it.