6. A Whole Lot of Life is Both And

I used to struggle earlier in our marriage when Katey would talk about how I'm the best husband, the best thing since sliced bread.  And then in the same day, possibly the same hour, she'd be super frustrated with me about something I did or didn't do (Exhibit A- not listening to her).  How can this be true?!  I can't be both. It's one or the other, right? If I'm the best husband, then I wouldn't be frustrating her so- I'd be a better listener. The truth is that they're both true.  Yes, I am a good husband and partner for Katey.  And yes, I also frustrate the hell out of her at times and don't deliver what she needs emotionally. The black and white bleed into each other.  As Bruce Hornsby says in his song Fields of Gray "When I was younger I saw things in black and white. Now all I see is a sad hazy gray."

Copyright The Civil Wars

I like to have clear, resolved puzzles and problems. I think we as humans like to have nice tidy little packages of issues. If it's black and white, you're wrong or you're right. It's in or it's out. It's easy to read, even if you fall on the wrong side of the answer. Dr. Amishi Jha, in her book Peak Mind, talks about a common need we all have, a need for "cognitive closure. This is that tug of wanting to achieve a resolution to something that is confusing, unsettling, or even ambiguous." Yet the longer I live, I experience these apparent contradictions that somehow live in tension with each other. I'm more firmly convinced now that much of life is not either or, but both and. And while I believe both and is true, it's also extremely frustrating and I struggle to stay in that tension, to not get the cognitive closure that I want. But once this reality became clear to me, I started seeing examples around different corners.

The Bible tells the story in Mark 9 of a desperate father who brought his son, sick with severe convulsions since childhood, to Jesus. The boy was rolling on the ground in front of Jesus, foaming at the mouth. The father pleads with Jesus, "If you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us." And Jesus said to him, "If you can?!" All things are possible for one who believes." Immediately the father cried out and said "I believe; help my unbelief!" (spoiler alert- Jesus heals the boy). So which is it? Do you believe or not? For this father, and for me in my faith journey, there are certainly times when the answer is both and.

The very best song I've heard that represents both and is Poison & Wine by the Civil Wars.  Give it a listen.  The chorus absolutely nails the tension…"I don't love you, but I always will". 

Life is 'brutiful'

Three years ago, we were buying this beautiful, peaceful home on Whidbey Island surrounded by trees and nature- we always wanted a place with a retreat feel. At the very same time, our daughter announced she needed space from us, and months later communicated the hurt, pain and trauma she had experienced with some of the ways we had raised her. It was a complete gut punch delivered in our peaceful, serene retreat home. One was beautiful, the other was brutal. Brutiful. Then the following summer I was unemployed for a bit after my contract didn't get renewed due to budget cuts. I was wrestling with what job I'd get, and whether to accept an opportunity in front of me that I anticipated would be big stress for me. I was full of anxiety and depression. It was a gorgeous summer on Whidbey Island. I was miserable. I was living in the tension between the two. Summertime 2022 was brutiful. (btw... I can't take credit for "brutiful". Saw it used by Colby Martin in his book Unclobber. Thanks Colby- the term totally resonates)

I now take walks in the early morning down to a beach that's exactly a mile from our home. Downhill on the way down, uphill coming home. It's a good cardio workout. Along the way, there's two houses next to each other that have mean, barking dogs. Since I was a little boy, I've been scared of mean dogs (used to be chased by one as a paperboy). It's also spring time now, and there's a chorus of singing birds in the morning along the way. Mean dogs bring me stress. Singing birds lift my spirit and produce peace. In my life, there's always going to be both mean dogs and singing birds. Which one will I focus on? I wish there weren't mean dogs (of many types), but their presence is a fact of this life. May my focus be on the singing birds.