1. Life is all about relationships

It's why I came out of the movie theater crying (and I'm not a cry-er) after Pixar's Up movie (taking my two pre-teen daughters to the movie celebrating the last day of school). The elderly Carl showed up for Russell's Cub Scout pinning award, because his real Dad was out of the picture, and they sat there on the sidewalk eating ice cream counting cars or something. Broken relationships cause me the deepest pain.

Image courtesy of Pixar's Up movie

It's why Parenthood, This is Us, even Modern Family- shows about family dynamics, are my favorite shows. Why "On Golden Pond" was one of my favorite movies as a pre-teen (after Star Wars of course- saw that 10 times in the movie theater and had all the action figures). All of them about family joys and struggles, dysfunction and working through real relationships that are messy.

It's why I was voted MVP (most valuable participant) award at the Dale Carnegie class I took in my 30s because my classmates resonated with the authentic, vulnerable stories I told about my relationships and family. 

This I believe

Life is all about relationships. Hard stop. This is what life boils down to. It's what I believe we were created for. Relationship with the God who created us, with each other, with ourselves.  When relationships are healthy and in sync, life is good. When they're strained, broken, estranged, life sucks.  This is certainly what I've experienced. Personally. Professionally.  What's the most cited reason people leave their jobs?  A boss they didn't like or couldn't get along with.  It's why I bailed on a job with emerging media in the mid-2000's to land in user research where I've spent the last 15 years of my career. 

The biggest pits in my stomach have been when my wife Katey and I are in deep conflict for an extended period of time. She's also the most important relationship I have on this earth, so if that's in turmoil, this makes sense that I'd feel upside down and inside out.  And having kids? It's both the most joyous and most painful journey you can take. 

The biggest disappointments in myself are when I fail at something relational. Last year, Katey and I had a lovely week's vacation on the Big Island of Hawaii in the spring. We met a friendly couple our age walking on the beach our last evening, and we exchanged taking couple photos of each other with the setting sun in the distance. The next day we were at the airport waiting for the flight and I noticed they were at the gate about to get on our flight. I struck up another conversation asking where they lived and such. Good folk.  They ended up about seven rows ahead of us on the flight, and mid-way through our six hour flight, I noticed the husband rushing to get help from flight attendants for his wife, who had obviously fallen ill with something. I felt a tinge of concern, but did nothing to find out more.  When folks were disembarking down the cattle prod of the center aisle, they were staying behind, and because folks were behind us and I didn't want to slow people down, I gave a half-smile "sorry" look to the husband as I passed by. Then at baggage claim I was given one more opportunity to engage our new acquaintances to ask if we could help in any way or at least offer our sympathy for her condition as he was pushing her in a wheelchair. I didn't meet their eyes and that was that. Probably will never see them again. Great example Dean you were of "life is all about relationships".  Very disappointed in myself that day. Screw the discomfort. Push through the awkwardness and reach out to that person you've connected with that needs help.

You have to understand that this "Life is all about relationships" motto is hands down numero uno for the Dean's List, because I'm wired for relationships first. This is the lense through which I see and experience life. When I took the personality inventory at Microsoft, I was primary green, which equates to relationships. Very few folks at Microsoft have strongest green. Most lead with yellow/creative, red/driver, blue/analytical. Yes, I have parts of those as well. We all do. But green is my go-to and largest part of who I am and where I lead from.

Of all the corporate training I took at Microsoft over 30 years, my favorites were Crucial Conversations, and the "how to engage people that have pinched you" training via working through the quadrant of: 1. This is what I saw (data) 2. This is what I think (the story I'm telling myself about why you're doing what you're doing) 3. This is what I feel about it 4. This is what I want All these trainings were about resolving conflict, cuz conflict invariably happens when two imperfect humans turn towards each other and rub shoulders. Work on interpersonal relationships. It makes or breaks teamwork. Lean into the hard conversations. A ton of regret comes from sweeping issues under the rug and not saying what needs to be said. The harder the conversation the easier life becomes.

It's how you get jobs- by knowing people that know people. It can give you the proverbial foot in the door for an interview. Then you get to prove yourself as worthy of the position and you will grow or not based on your own merits. It's how I started a 30-year career at Microsoft. My brother worked at Microsoft at the time, and his sister-in-law worked on a team that needed a media producer. That's what I did- there you go. People also like to do business with people they like.  It's a cliche but true.

It's why I'm struggling right now on the island I find myself on, both figuratively and literally.  We moved to Whidbey Island in Washington State three years ago in 2020. At about the same time we became empty nesters, and my two daughters weren't running around the house with life and energy.  We left our church community, and our neighborhood community of 22 years. My relational tank is low currently. Thankfully I still have my wife of 32 years and life partner.  Sometimes what you thought was the dream has different elements that you didn't take into account (see life motto #6 "A Whole Lot of Life is Both And").  Yes, we have the beautiful retreat feel surrounded by trees and our own family of deer.  And live on a beautiful island, away from the hustle and bustle (and traffic) of the Seattle area.  And yet I didn't realize how my soul would be impacted by removing myself from key relationships. Time to start new relationships. There are seasons of life. Seasons of relationships. 

Time for me to invest in the important relationships in my life.  Quantity and quality time. I believe it's the only commodity that lasts and it makes or breaks the quality of your life here on this earth. New York Times Opinion Columnist David Brooks talks about the value of a good marriage vs. a good career. Of course, those of us inclined to marriage want both, but I agree with his stance that you'll come out ahead putting your primary focus on the relationship vs. the career. Opinion | To Be Happy, Marriage Matters More Than Career - The New York Times (nytimes.com)

Like a river, relationships are never stagnant. They're always moving. You're either getting closer to someone, or farther apart.  And friendships and marriages tend to drift apart by default.  You gots to be intentional.  The best things in life are free, yes, but they also require work. Relational work is the best kind of work out there, and brings the biggest payout for you and those around you.

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