3. No Comparisons

I like to think of myself as a creative human.  I enjoy expressing creativity through music, song, films, experiences I create, and now cooking in my 50's.  I've also found creative ways of feeling bad about myself in various stages of my life.  And those have mostly come when I'm comparing myself with others.  The topics have changed over the years, but the refrain remains the same.  I'm not enough. 

I've found that when I compare, somebody always loses, and most of the time it's me.

Currently, I'm comparing myself with friends where, at this later stage of their careers, have these great jobs so their spouses don't have to work full time anymore if they don't want to, and therefore have more time for family and friends, hobbies, grandchildren if they've arrived.  My wife is currently pushing hard in a job that takes all of her energy and time, but it provides health benefits because my contract work doesn't. 

Comparisons can show up in all aspects of life: work, relationships, parenting, appearances, intellect, your neighbor's lawn.

My career is where I've struggled the most with comparisons.  The area where I've slid down into a pit at times, not feeling proud of what I have accomplished. The pit of envy and shame. 

My Dad ended up a VP at Puget Power, after working his entire career of 40 years at the local utility company.  His story is a classic, admirable, old-school story-- started in the mail room, ended up VP 30+ years later at the same company.   He was in leadership in all circles of his life: his career, his church, his community.  The resume is impressive.   I've always had a love/hate relationship with management and leadership.   Earlier in my career, I accepted a people manager role at Microsoft with a small team running online seminars on Microsoft.com.  I chose that role over a Senior Producer role at Microsoft Studios that I interviewed for and had been offered, but took the team lead role because that was the "smarter business decision" in my eyes at the time.  The team I inherited ended up to be dysfunctional, and I look back at it as one of the most stressful times of my career.  I left that role not wanting to touch that hot stovetop again because the people issues were too stressful for me. I certainly have never wanted to be a VP.  Being in charge is kinda cool, and the money would be nice, but the stress due to the way I'm wired- don't want to touch it with a 10-foot pole.   I've never felt or heard any overt pressure to follow in my Dad's footsteps, and I absolutely know my Dad is proud of me- of who I am and what I've done.  But maybe I internalized ladder climbing to senior leadership as the path of success for me, what I was supposed to be and do.  That definition of success was certainly reinforced during my 30-year career at Microsoft (I did work for the same company forever like my Dad, so that's interesting.  I am loyal like he is, and not a huge fan of change like him, but I digress). 

I co-opted this article for my own purposes in 1988, when I was a meter reader for Puget Power as a college summer job (best summer gig I ever had).  As a joke to refute the folks that likely thought I only got the job because my Dad was VP (It certainly didn't hurt).    Fun fact: I ended up connecting with Jeff Kemp when starting up a marriage and family strengthening organization in our community twenty years after this article was published. 

My propensity to upward comparison is why I struggle the most with LinkedIn as a social media comparison game.  When I see the proverbial "Whoo hoo!  I got my next great gig! I got a promotion! I'm going places!" I'm filled with 40% "Good for you!  That's awesome!" (which is what everybody writes in the comments), and 60% "How come that can't be me?  I suck".  I believe, and research is bearing out, that the comparison game in social media is a huge contributing factor to the epidemic in young people today with anxiety and depression.  What folks generally portray on social media is the cleaned up, Photoshopped version of reality.  I see myself in a 360 view, in the good moments and the bad moments.  But curated Instagram and Facebook posts only show the rosy, smiling, happy family, great career side so folks think the best of us.  I see nothing inherently wrong with putting your best foot forward, combing your hair and brushing your teeth and wearing some clothes that fit before facing the world, but three cheers for vulnerability and being freaking real too.  The truth is that much of life, and we as people, is Both And.  We have a light side and a shadow side- even our best tendencies have them.

Connectedness vs. Competition

Sculpture titled Love created by Alexander Milov for the Burning Man Festival 2015

The Bible talks about how we are to "rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn".  Be there for each other, which brings connectedness, a togetherness, an us, not a "me vs. you".   Comparison creates a "me vs. you".  Seems born of an independent, western mindset, instead of a more healthy interdependence where I'm good with myself, but also need you at times, and you need me.  We can rely on each other to make it through life's journey.   Makes me wonder if this whole comparison game isn't as strong in a more eastern community-oriented culture, versus our independent western culture.  Where in the world do they have a healthier, balanced perspective on this?  (if you know, please answer in the comments.  I'd love to at least visit there someday and wallow in that culture for awhile.)

If I let this comparison shame game continue unabated, I'll have endless opportunity to wallow during future stages of my life.  I can see a future in retirement comparing myself to family and friends around me -- when they can retire, how much $$ they have, what they're able to do.  And side note- I'm fully aware that much of what I'm comparing to in this example is absolutely first-world problems.  So many people in this world don't know where their next meal is coming from, or whether they can stay where they live.  Perspective is desperately needed and can point to a much healthier wallow- a thanksgiving wallow for what I do have for which there is ample evidence. 

Stop it

When I had wallowed in the career comparison shame pit once too often recently, my wife had had enough.  She threw down on me with some tough love.  "With that attitude, you'll never get to where you want to go" (and she's right).  She said I’m not seeing all the awesomeness that I contain, and that others are likely envious of me while I'm envious of others, and it makes her angry that it gets me defeated. 

Last week I watched my all-time favorite movie "The Sandlot" and heard the same speech given to 12-year old Smalls from his Mom, when she's encouraging him to go out and make new friends in their new neighborhood.  Smalls replies with "aww Mom, I'm not good at anything, I'm just an egghead."  "With that attitude Scotty, you'll always just be an egghead."  And with that, she walked out of the room leaving Smalls to ponder.

Comparison with others makes us not appreciate what we do have, the skills and abilities and traits that are uniquely ours that we bring to the table.  It can blind us to the God-given uniqueness that is us.   I believe if I only compared myself to myself, I'd be so much better off. I'd spend less time feeling bad about myself, which is a COMPLETE WASTE of emotional and intellectual energy.   Creativity is sucked out the window.   And creativity, positive motivation, and good ol' fashioned hard work is what's required to go out and get that new job or promotion.  Insecurity, shame and self-doubt?  Not so motivating.

Why play the game?

So why then do I play this comparison game with others?  What's going on under the hood here?  Why can't I just relax, know I’m loved (and dare I say adored) by the God who created me, and be content with who I am and what I've done?   Understanding why I do what I do is one of my jams.  The hunt for answers was on. 

First off, I learned I'm not alone.  Even Jesus' disciples struggled with the comparison game, asking who the greatest disciple was (now there's some humility), and Peter at one point asked Jesus "What about John?" to which Jesus replied, "If it's my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you?  You follow me."  In other words, don’t focus on plans I have for him, you focus on your journey and what I have for you sir.  Mind your own business.

A colleague in user research recently posted about comparison: Comparison is the root of all discontentment and I share Angela's conclusion that the best route is to compare ourselves with ourselves.

Brene Brown's research from her book Atlas of the Heart shows social comparison is a natural, normal, albeit not-so-helpful social thing we do.  Researcher Frank Fujita writes, "From this perspective, when we are presented with another person who is obviously better or worse off, we have no choice but to make a social comparison."  "It can be hard to hear an extremely intelligent person on the radio, or see an extremely handsome one in the grocery store, or participate on a panel with an expert without engaging in social comparison no matter how much we would like not to" (Goethals, 1986, p. 272). Many researchers talk in terms of upward and downward comparisons. Specifically, Alicia Nortje writes, “When we engage in upward social comparison, we compare ourselves to someone who is (perceived to be or performing) better than we are. In contrast, when we engage in downward social comparison, we compare ourselves to someone who is (perceived to be or performing) worse than we are."

Most of us assume that upward comparisons always leave us feeling “not enough” and downward comparisons make us feel “better than.” But researcher Frank Fujita writes, “Social comparisons can make us happy or unhappy. Upward comparisons can inspire or demoralize us, whereas downward comparisons can make us feel superior or depress us. In general, however, frequent social comparisons are not associated with life satisfaction or the positive emotions of love and joy but are associated with the negative emotions of fear, anger, shame, and sadness.” These are important findings because, regardless of the different outcomes, in the end, comparing ourselves to others leads us to fear, anger, shame, and sadness. (Atlas of the Heart, page 21).

This certainly resonates deeply with my lived experience.  The only positive, inspiring social comparison I can think of currently is my new found respect and admiration for the musician Jacob Collier.  The dude's a freak of nature.  He's in his late 20's and is a modern-day Mozart.  Plays multiple instruments at the highest level, and understands music theory and harmonies to a degree I'll never even come close to.  But instead of feeling bad about myself in comparison to him as a musician, I'm inspired by his brilliance.  He's my exhibit A example of God's creativity expressed through a human.  He brings joy and life through his music.  My wife and I paid way too much to see him in concert in Seattle earlier this year, and it was worth every penny.  He inspires me to create.  And that's a much healthier space to be in. 

So my antidote for this comparison game, and focus going forward when I find myself comparing with others, is going to be: (by writing this I'm making myself accountable to you, me and the universe)

1. Be thankful every day for what I do have

2. Be intentional and careful with my self-talk.  No more lies 

3. Compare myself with who I was yesterday

I don't mind having a competitive spirit and wanting to do better, to win.  I think that's healthy- it keeps me motivated to not settle, not get complacent.  But it's winning against myself, being a better version of Dean.   So maybe the title of this life motto should be "No comparisons with others".  Compete with who I was yesterday.  Be better, while also truly believing and resting in the fact that I'm ok, loved and valuable the way I am.